Mothers
by ttfan111robstar1
Summary: Set during Breaking Dawn. Bella asks Esme a rather important question on a sensitive subject for her. Maternal bonding ensues.


On a rainy day in Forks, Washington, The Cullen family and Black pack had gathered inside of the large home, centered around the couch where Bella, the newest member of the family, lay. The normal activity of the house had stopped, the natural flow diverted, as their family attempted to try and deal with the surprising and unprecedented phenomenon of Bella's pregnancy with a half-vampire child. Ever since she and Edward had returned from their honeymoon, the focus on the house had turned to Bella, and keeping her alive.

Bella lay on the couch, weakened from her incredibly strong child inside of her and hurting from the incredibly strong kicking her baby did. Despite all of that, she was in love with the baby inside of her. She had been preoccupied with the idea of what pregnancy would be like if this baby had been a completely human one. Would she still feel the same? Since she couldn't ask her mother or father (as both of them were unaware of her husband's vampiric nature), there was only one person she could turn to.

Bella looked over to Esme, Edward's adoptive mother, who was sitting across from her. She was the only woman in the house who had experienced pregnancy before, and it was a highly sensitive subject for both her and Rosalie, Edward's sister and her appointed bodyguard. Still, she couldn't quench her curiosity.

"Esme?" Her voice was a weak croak, but she knew Esme would be able to hear her.

Esme looked up, surprised at the sound of her daughter-in-law's voice, but smiled. "Yes, Bella?"

"What was your pregnancy like? And what was it like for you when you held your baby?" She asked softly. "I can't help wondering what this would have been like if I was carrying a normal baby."

Silence filled the room, and every head simultaneously turned to the Cullen matriarch. Esme seemed remarkably unsurprised at the question, though the twinge of pain it caused her was felt by Jasper and the rest of the children who already knew the story. Esme shifted a bit in her seat, trying to make herself comfortable. There was a short pause, and then she spoke.

"When I found out I was pregnant, my ex-husband Charles had been home from the war for three months. And when I got sick every day for a week, I knew it wasn't from stress. I knew I was pregnant, and I had to get out of there. I wasn't going to let my innocent baby be born into an abusive home. I had to protect him. So I left one day when he was out, and I ran to my cousin's in Wisconsin. I pretended I was a widow, because in all truthfulness, Charles was dead to me anyways. But the bad thing about the dead is they can come back to haunt you, and he did. He found me there, and I had to flee again. I went to Ashland, and I had to support myself there, so I became a teacher like I had always wanted to.

Those first months of pregnancy were hard. I was sick all of the time, and it made teaching very difficult because I thought I would be sick through it all. And my back ached constantly, never mind the need to use the bathroom all of the time. I became so sensitive to smells. If someone used soap from a bathroom and they were seated in the back of the classroom, I could smell it from the front. Sometimes I would get this odd metallic taste in my mouth, and it would stay for hours. But none of it mattered, because my pain or discomfort didn't mean a thing to me as long as my baby was taken care of.

The second trimester of my pregnancy exacerbated some of the symptoms, but for the most part they stayed the same. But I felt him kick for the first time and… Oh there aren't words for that feeling. Magic doesn't begin to cover it." A smile graced her face, and her hand unconsciously rested on her stomach. "So I would sing to him and tell him stories or about my day in general. That was around the time when I started getting the nursery ready. I bought him a crib, and I painted it with blue boats so he would sail off to sleep and have sweet dreams. I remember thinking that I was making a home for him. It was one of the best feelings in the world."

She paused a moment, then spoke again. "Some women are just born to be mothers. I knew from the time I was a little girl that that was my purpose in life. I used to dream of having a big beautiful family and a loving husband, and raising my children with him. I always used to picture what my life would be like when I was pregnant and had children, and so far it had completely lived up to my expectations.

The last trimester was the best one. I wasn't hurting as much, and he was such an active baby. He used to kick like crazy. Especially when I sang to him. I knew that I was going to meet him soon, and every day was another day closer to that. It was all I wanted. And eventually, I got it.

I was at home the day my water broke. I had to walk to the hospital, and I was in labor for eighteen hours. We don't feel the same physical pain that humans do, and labor was the worst pain of all of them. Even now I can't think about it without wincing. And just when I thought I was going to give up and never see him… There he was."

Her face took on a dreamy look, and she smiled brightly at the memory. "There are some moments in life you never forget, no matter how old you get or how long you've been alive, and that was one of them. When they set my baby boy in my arms, I knew I would remember every detail of that moment for the rest of my life, and I have."

Her heart clenched in her chest as though a fist was closing in around it. She closed her eyes. "He was so _beautiful_. He had a sweet little button nose, and messy dark hair, and the most beautiful blue eyes. His fist was the size of a grape. In that moment I just _knew _I had to protect him, and that I would do anything to give him a good life and all the love he deserved. You'll feel that soon enough for yourself. And when his little hand wrapped around my finger… I was home." Her voice broke a little on the end of the sentence, and she had to take in a breath to keep herself together.

"What happened to him?" The question was from Bella, soft and gentle.

"He started coughing." She said, sighing softly. "I knew something was wrong. The nurses took him out of my arms and raced him into another room, and even though I was weak and tired from my labor I was screaming at them. I asked _"Where are you taking him?!" _Over and over again, but nobody ever answered me. There wasn't much else for me to do but try and sleep. When I woke up, the doctor was there, and he told me that my baby had Lung Fever. I didn't want to believe it. Nobody ever does, I think. But the first time I heard him coughing, I knew. I knew he wasn't going to make it. But I hoped he would. I prayed and begged and pleaded with God to let me keep him. I promised him anything if he would only spare my son. But he didn't listen to me."

The room was deathly quiet, so much so that one could hear a pin drop. "He lasted two days. Even holding on that long must have been so hard for him. To this day I still can't imagine how he'd held out that long. And when the time came, I held him one last time. And I asked him to hang on for me, to hold on for Mommy. But I saw how weak he was getting, and how much pain he was in. And I realized how selfish I was being, letting him suffer like that. It was the exact opposite of what I had sworn to myself to be for him. I had told myself I would put him first, and I wasn't doing that. So I told him how much I loved him, that I would always remember him, and I told him that he could let go. And I sang to him until he died." She paused, taking a moment to collect herself after that.

"The doctors let me hold him a long time after that. I think I needed that time, to let it sink in for me that he was really gone. And when they took him, I was numb. I stayed another day, and I picked out a headstone for him. I think that was when the pain really sank in. I started screaming that I wanted to hold my baby. The doctors were all surrounding me, trying to get me to calm down. They knew I was hysterical at that point, and I think one of them might have pulled out a syringe to give me a sedative, but I don't remember that well.

What I _do _remember was feeling like all of my struggle, my hard-won battles, and my suffering didn't mean anything. I'd been abused, my parents hadn't supported me when I wanted to escape, and the one thing that I'd wanted more than anything had been taken from me. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel after that. I slipped past the doctors and started running through the hospital, dodging nurses and doctors until I made it out the door. My feet were bare and I only had a hospital gown on, but I didn't care. I didn't think I would be alive long enough to mind. I can still remember the feeling of the grass covered with dew under my feet, and then the cold hardness of the gravel near the cliff. I only stopped for a second after I got there, long enough to look up at the moon and tell my baby I was coming home to him, before I jumped. Carlisle found me after they brought me to the morgue, barely alive, and he remembered me from treating me all those years ago when I was sixteen and he took me to his home to turn me. It was the start of a story that has yet to end." She finished softly.

Bella looked at her, a dozen emotions filling her eyes. "I can't imagine what you went through. I'm sorry you had to go through it."

"I'm not." She said. "I still wish my son was alive, of course, but if all of that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met Carlisle again, or adopted any of my children, or lived to meet you and the grandchild I have on the way." She smiled. "Even through all of that, I still got to fulfill my childhood dream, and I wouldn't change it."

Bella smiled at her. Though it was a weak smile, it was there. "Any advice you can give me- Mom to Mom?"

Esme smiled at that. "Absolutely. I think the most important piece of advice I can give you is this: Treasure every moment of this time in your life. Even when you're hurting or in pain, all of it is going toward something greater than you can imagine. Don't waste time second-guessing your decisions, and don't worry about what anybody else might think of the ones you do make. They aren't in your shoes. The only thing worth doing in life is going toward love, and since every choice you make is for your baby, that's exactly what you're doing. Cherish what you have right now, because all of the suffering and pain is going toward this amazing baby that's going to love and cherish you forever. Hold onto these moments, and don't let go, because they'll be gone before you know it."

Bella nodded, straining with the effort that took, but smiled. "I will. Thank you, Esme."

Esme went over to her and lightly squeezed her hand. "Anytime, dear. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm always here for you."

"Thank you. And if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you too."

"Thank you." Esme smiled at her. "Would you excuse me for a little bit? There's something I need to take care of."

"Of course." Bella said. Esme gave her a smile before making an exit out of the French doors and moving toward the forest.

Esme breathed in the damp and musky perfumed air of the damp forest, feeling as though she hadn't been able to breathe for a long time until then. The air reinvigorated her as the let it fill her lungs and permeate her being. Keeping that story inside of her while Bella's pregnancy had been going on had held a greater weight on her than she had realized, and letting it out had felt freeing. But she had a stop to make before she could really feel the full extent of that freedom.

A little grove, shrouded in trees and flowers was in a little alcove of it's own in the vast forest. Honeysuckle, roses, lilies, and hydrangeas provided a splash of color to the typically monochromatic forest. The only thing marring that color was a gray stone, protruding from the earth. It was a grave marker, the name and date etched in stone to immortalize the life of a person. This one immortalized the life of the person who had mattered the most to her in her human life.

_Anthony Robert Evenson_

_July 7, 1926 - July 9, 1926_

_Beloved son, Little Angel_

Her son was not buried there, naturally. His actual grave resided in the Historic Memorial Cemetery in Columbus, Ohio. She had a headstone for him erected in a beautiful area near every one of their homes, as a place to connect with her son and talk to him. She always made sure the area she chose was beautiful and colorful. Her baby deserved nothing less.

Now, she knelt in front of the headstone, uncaring of how it may have dirtied her blue jeans. In a blue v-neck sweater, a pair of jeans, and some sensible shoes, she realized now that she had perhaps subconsciously altered her wardrobe because of the pressure of what was happening in the house. She resolved to herself to do something about that later- she would likely need to change anyways, considering how muddy it was out here- but the smell of the flowers and the scent of petrichor emanating from the ground after an unprecedented streak of sunshine were improving her mood vastly.

She reached out a hand, running a hand down the stone surface. "Hey, baby boy. Mommy missed you. It's been a long time since she's been to see you, and I'm sorry about that. Things have been very busy at home. So much has happened in such a short time. You got a sister-in-law. Her name is Bella, and she married your brother Edward. And guess what? You have a niece or nephew on the way too. Bella's having her first baby. She asked me to tell her your story today. I told her all about you, and what you were like." She said, pausing in her speech a moment.

"I miss you. I still think about you every day, and wonder what you would be like now. I think you'd like your brothers. Edward is such a dear, and he's always playing the piano. I remember when you used to kick me whenever I sang to you. I think you would have loved music just as much as he does. And then there's Emmett." She chuckled. "I think you'd have so much fun playing with him. You'd get into a lot of trouble together, I bet. And then there's Jasper. I think you'd like reading as much as he does. Sometimes I like to imagine him reading to you, and you giggling. I think he'd love that. And your sisters would just adore you. Alice would make sure you were the best dressed one in the house, and Rosalie would spoil you rotten by taking you shopping. Bella would probably love to snuggle with you right now while she waits for her baby to come. And your Daddy and I would just love you to pieces, no matter what."

She had long ago begun referring to Carlisle as her baby's father, seeing as, had her baby survived, he would have stepped up and been the father her baby deserved, rather than an abusive monster like Charles was. She'd spent so much time envisioning what it might have been like for the three of them, had they been a family. They no doubt would have had more love than was possible to handle. Sometimes, late at night when Carlisle was working in his office and she was laying down in their bed with the door closed, she would put a hand on her stomach, close her eyes, and imagine what that would have felt like. If only for a second, she could recapture that feeling of being pregnant, and that anticipatory joy that came along with it.

Her hand slid there now, both in memory of that feeling, and in her attempt to feel connected to her baby. She let out a soft sigh. "I miss you so much, sweet boy. Every second of every day, there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wish you were here to see all this. I wish you could see your brothers and sisters, meet your niece or nephew, and your sister-in-law. I wish you could see what they're like. I know you'd love them just as much as I do. I just hope that you're out there, watching over us."

She leaned over and pressed a kiss to the headstone. "Mommy loves you, Anthony. I always will." She promised.


End file.
